Eat your greens

Last night Ben at spinach.
This morning, he shat a casserole

Thud!!

Recently we took off the rail that was on Mason's bed. He sleeps in a "big boy" bed, but he had a rail that you slide under the mattress to make sure he does not fall out. We decided it was time because he recently slept at his cousin's house in a normal bed and did not fall out for two nights in a row.

So, the first night in his own bed was fine, then the second night was fine.....the third night I hear the thud......I walk in to his room and there he is on the floor. Ok, fine, he fell out. No big deal. The next night, he was fine. Guess what happened next? Did he fall out of bed? He fell out of bed two times in one night. The second time, I'm pretty sure he fell asleep on the floor.

I was not going to put that bar back on the bed, but I did not want to have an injured son. So, since that night, I have pulled out the trundle from under his bed and I have used it as his safety net. If he does fall out, at least he will land on another mattress. Of course, he has not fallen out since the trundle experiment has begun. You know that the first night I do not pull it out will be the night he falls out again....What to do, what to do.

Some nights I wish that trundle was really a trampoline.......

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

When my family has gone to visit the extended family in Philadelphia, Mason gets very excited...Is it to see his grammie or his cousin Max? Maybe, I'm sure that is part of it but if you were to ask Mason why he liked going to Philly so much, he would tell you that cousin Max has the Wii......The joy my son has for all things video game related is rather amazing. He has fully grasped the home PC and the wonders of the internet......I'm just waiting for him to ask me what the word "porn" means.

Back to the Wii. Recently my mother was up visiting and suggested that she wanted to buy Mason a Wii for the holidays. Both Beth and I are concerned about this since we might never see Mason again and he will spend all waking moments in front of the TV, playing Wii . On the other had....the Wii is so darn cool. I love playing it just as much as Mason.

So, we told Mason that he may get the Wii, but on one condition....no more peeing in his pants. He went through a time where he was peeing in his pants a little too often for us. He agreed and has been VERY careful to run to the bathroom any time he has to pee, until this morning ( queue the music of dread)

After breakfast this morning, Mason told Beth that he peed in his pajamas. In a very calm voice, Beth asked Mason what that meant. His reply was that he was not going to get the Wii. I can not explain in words the face and tone of his voice....despair, sorrow, gut wrenching pain? These all come close, but do not capture the moment. I went upstairs to talk to him. Did I mention that he needed to go to his room to relax and regroup?

I casually asked him why he peed in his pants? Did he know he had to go? I was not prepared for what was said. I have not read any parent type books to prepare me for the words and the face.
Mason said with the most pathetic face and the saddest voice, "Sometime my brain is not smart enough. I am not smart sometimes." Ok, I can joke that I have the emotions of a robot sometimes, but my heart sank. It sank all the way to the bottom of my feet. I wanted to hug my child and go out and buy him a Wii right then and there. I was ready to just give him my credit card and tell him to enjoy the day. Now, he is either the greatest child actor the world has ever seen or he really meant what he said, which makes it so hard to take.

I quickly went down stairs and told Beth and we decided to give our sad little boy a mulligan. This goes against everything I have done up to now. Every threat I have ever uttered, I have carried through on and this was the first time I ever went back on my word....you pee in your pants and no Wii.....but ahh not true...this time. We gave him one more chance and hopefully he makes it this time.....for all of us.

A boy's bestfriend

So, I am the dad and I should know this already...after years of personal experience, I should really know this. Not just as a father, but as a man of the human race, I should know this....

Let me take a step back and ask this question. What sentence do I utter more then any other to Mason (I will also say the same one to Ben)?

Give up? The answer is "Get you hands out of your pants." Now I am a guy and I understand the importance of this issue and the remote control comes in a close second for what is usually in my hand, but I truly believe my 4 year old has taken this sport to a whole new level. Since it's the Olympics, I believe Mason would be a gold medal champion in the sort of penis grabbing. He would score high points in originality. The boy does not just go from the waistband, but he comes up from the pant leg...now that takes concentration!!!!!

It's not just the hand down the pants, it's the pulling, grabbing, pinching, poking, prodding, twisting that he does all day long. If this were a taffy pull, my son would have the largest penis in the region. As a man, I wince in pain when I give him a bath. He goes in to the zone and does not even know where his hands are or what they are doing. "Mason, stop pulling it" There is another common sentence that I have to say.

Now I know this is normal and this act will certainly not go away, but my goodness it's not Silly Putty. To quote my grandfather (who Mason is named after) "Leave it alone, it will grow by itself."

2 Vs 4

Even people who do not have kids know the saying "the Terrible Two's". Before Mason even turned 2, I was ready to deal with a maniac...tantrums, fits, flailing on the floor....The the age of 2 came and non of that was really there. The occasional fit or cry, but nothing that should have a scary phrase like "The Terrible Two's". Wow, this is great, I have an "easy" child. The age of 3 arrived and still, no major fits, no crazy kid.

Hello age 4 and f*ck you!!!!

Out of no where, the pod people or the crazy pod people or the psycho pod people have taken over my son. I'm not sure I can truly explain what it is like or if I can give and example that does all this justice.

From time to time, Mason asks if he can play on the computer and play on Noggin.com or Disney.com. This should not be a big deal and every time he goes on, we begin with the understanding that when I say it is time to get off, then he will get off. I even have him repeat the rule to me, so I know he understands. Then it happens...."Mason, time to get off the computer", I say in a nice calm voice. The response:

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. No no no no no no....Awwwwwwww.......ahhhhhhhhhhh...waaaaaaaaa..........grrrrrrrrr...blahhhhhhhh"

Who are you and what have you done to my son? There is no calming him down. I could offer him a huge ice cream sundae or a visit by the Wiggles and he just keeps freaking out. I thought by having two boys, I would not have a house that was filled with PMS.......

"Mason, stop jumping on the bed". Response: "Daddy, that is the meanest thing you have ever said."

"Mason, it's time to take a shower". Response: "You can't tell me what to do."

"Mason, want to go to Disney World?" Response: "How can you be so mean to me, I want new parents, ones who know how I really feel, know the inner me and can understand where I am in my life and how to really get at the root of what drives me as a human being. Someone who can discuss Post Modern Art with me, so do not come to me with an offer of Disney World, a place that preaches conformity to the youth of America"

(So I made that last one up, but you now get the idea of what it is like.) So there is no "Terrible Two's", but I say there is the "F*ck You Fours"

Best part is.....I get to do this again with Ben....bring it on..........

POS

So, Mason saw an ad for a Toyota and here is what he said.
"We have a Toyota(we do), but daddy has a dopey car".

Now, I drive a reliable 200 Honda Civic. It gets me from point A to point B and that's about the extent of it's features. At the age of 4, this car has been a constant source of humor for my son. A few weekends ago, I had to drive Mason to PopPops house which is 30 minutes away.

Normally, we take mommy's car, the nice care. On these drives the request for "his music" comes from the back seat. This means that I have to slide some kids music in to the CD player and listen to it for 30 minutes. You play that stuff to prisoners for 30 minutes and they'll tell you anything you want. On a side note I do enjoy some of Mason's music, but not over and over again.

On this particular trip, we were driving my "dopey car". For the first 20 minutes, he kept asking for his music....oh did I mention there is no CD player.....We were going through all the stations until I hear from the back seat, "Daddy, you really need to get a CD player"

What the hell!!!!! I do not need to take this from a 4 year old!!!! He does not even know how to ride a two wheel bike yet, let alone drive a car.....

Years from now, he will be that kid who asks to be dropped off three blocks form his friends house so no one sees the car I am driving.

What my wonderful 4 year old does not realize is that I will do everything in my power to save this 200 Civic and for his 16th birthday surprise him with the keys.....Who's driving the dopey car now?????

Cinderfella

Have I mentioned that I have wonderful neighbors? They have two little girls very close to the ages of Mason and Ben. Elle, the one close to age with Mason, loves playing with him. This is a great break for all the parents, as they play in the yard and we adults can share stories. After yesterday, the playing might have to end........

Mason was playing inside their house and I thought I would go check on him and bring him home since it was getting close to dinner time. I was told that they were playing upstairs and as I started to walk up the stairs, the two of them emerged from Elle's room. Mason was putting on a lovely Cinderella dress and said, "Daddy, can you help me put this on?" Have I mentioned that he already had a very nice necklace around his neck. Elle was dressed as Sleeping Beauty.

So, as a father, what do you do at this point? I decided to turn around and walk back down the stairs. What did my neighbors decide to do??????? Oh, they got the camera....and the video camera. I went for the tequila.

I grew up with brothers, no sisters, so this concept of dress up is foreign to me. What is the equivalent situation a father of all girls would have? It's certainly not his little girls wearing a football outfit. Maybe it's when his daughter tells him she is on the pill. Let me explain.

It's not so much the dress my son is wearing, but the direction of my imagination. When a father finds out his daughter is on the pill, he might begin that thought process of what the pill means and what comes after the pill......terror for a dad.
For me the imagination of Mason wearing a dress goes down the path of, will he be in a cabaret show or the lead in The Bird Cage2?

Or is it more troubling that Mason has such lovely legs that he pulled off the skirt........

Toys toys everywhere

Pop quiz.....you put a nine month old in a room filled with all kinds of toys. The room will be filled stuffed animals, noise makers, and so many more (thanks grandparents). So, with a room filled with toys, which one will the boy go for?

Give up? The answer is the light socket.....
Yes, with so many toys to play with, Ben apparently loves to play with everything that is off limits. Light sockets, stools that can tip over, wires. Hey Ben, would you like to play with the stove or the knife set????

How do little children know to go after all the dangerous items and why has a toy company not picked up on this???Hasbro should have a toy that looks like an electrical outlet,every nine month old would like to play with it.

Today Ben thought the trash bin from his brother's room was the best looking toy in the whole place. Why??? What is it about the trash bin, the smell?
"Hmmmm, the bin must smell like the stuff in my diaper, let's go and play with that......."

Filler Up

My younger son Ben had his 9 month check up today and I got to take him. One question that I was asked was, "Is he going regularly?", to which I replied, "Oh, yes and then some". Now and I did not want to go in to the details, but I feel that this should be documented. That way,on his wedding day years from now, I can read this out loud to everyone in attendance.

I no longer need a clock in the morning. You see, Ben has decided that he should wake up at 5:00am each morning. Sadly, I am starting to get used to this time, when the sun is starting to rise, the birds are chirping outside my window and three scoops of baby formula and placed in to a large bottle for my son to suck down as if he were at a hot dog eating contest. The morning is normal from...for the most part......then there is the Grunt!!!!! (this deserves a capital letter and the exclamation points)

You see, Ben is able to announce his doody with a large Grunt!!! If you have ever been outside the bathroom door when an old constipated man is trying to go to the bathroom, then you might understand what the Grunt!!!! sounds like.

What makes it more interesting is that it happens at the same time each morning. I hear that sound and I know that I need to be out the door for work in 15 minutes.

If I am truly going to read this at Ben's wedding, then I guess I should thank him. Since the time is so close, I rarely was the one to change him.......

MLB

I took Mason to his first Major League Baseball game. I grew up outside Philadelphia and now live in Boston, so my sporting life is not easy. I made a deal with my wife, who is from this area, that the boys can be raised Red Sox fans, but must cheer on the Phildelphia Eagles (is that considered abuse?)

First, Fenway must pump something in to the air so no matter how much food a child eats, they are always hungry.....first a hot dog, then an ice cream in a helmet, then a giant soft pretzel...then the words "I'm still hungry"......That park should have a line to donate blood so I can pay for all the food he ate.

Thanks to the Wii, Mason had to tell me that these baseball players had legs and got to hold a real bat. Thanks Nintendo!!!

Going to an event like this with my boy is like spending time with the Riddler.....How many people are at Fenway, what is a ball vs a strike, why did the man two rows behind us yell "You suck" to the other teams' pitcher.
Did I mention that the first pitch was at 7:00pm? So, around the middle of the fourth inning, Mason looks at me and tells me he is tired and ready to go. Even with all of this, he got to see Manny before he got traded, he got to yell Yooook, and he got to eat his first hot dog and a real ballpark. Thanks MLB.

And So it Starts

I should have started this 4 years ago when my first son, Mason, was born. I find the best humor to be found in the real life events of your very own children. Over the past 4 years, Mason has provided some of the funniest stories I have ever told...too many to remember (which is why I should have started this 4 years ago).
Better late then never, with my oldest at 4 years and my youngest at 9 months, I am sure there will be plenty of events to write about.